I took the whole month off, to focus on my exam and guess what? (What?) I didn't do well. What a waste of time.
I feel so ashamed. I'm not used to failures. Astaghfirullah. I know that's not a good thing to say but, I hate failures. I hate myself for not doing the best I could.
I make-believe that those around me have somekind of expectations from me. Well that put a lot of pressure on me. I keep on telling myself not to create unnecessary stress but there I was, whatsapping my lecturer after my exams, discussing the exam questions.
I was talking to my friend the other day about those 2 exams but she was all positive and chill that I felt like punching that positive face. Haha. On the other hand, I was complaining, cursing, and bitter about my non-performance.
I wanted to cry the hell out of my eyes but I'm not the kind that can cry easily when it comes to my own personal feeling. I can cry about some kid being tortured, watching a romantic movie, watching cartoons, but not about my own story. When I was in school, I had this phase in my life which was really dark and a lot of hatred, towards everybody. I tell myself everynight that if I cry, I'm a loser. If I cry, I'm not strong, if I cry, the other person wins. That is bloody wrong! I think crying will make you feel better. I literally forced myself cried few times but ended up laughing at myself.
Why is it that every paragraph starts with the letter I? Guess I need to improve my writing skill.
I'm tired, and unhappy.
To my future self, you sucked big time and screw the fuck up during your final semester. See if it changed anything about you. If it didn't, please come in my dream tonight and tell me that it's going to be OK.
